Jokes

Jokes!

AUDI : Another Ugly Deutsche Invention

BMW : Brings Me Women but Broke My Wallet

FIAT : Failure in Italian Automotive Technology

FORD : Fast Only Rolling Downhill

GMC...Garage Man's Companion

HYUNDAI : Hope You Understand Nothing's Driveable and Inexpensive

SAAB : Shape Appears Ass-Backwards

SUBARU : Screwed Up Beyond All Repair Usually

VOLVO : Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
 

Microsoft Toasters

Every time you bought a loaf of bread, you would have to buy a toaster.
You wouldn't have to take the toaster, but you'd still have to pay for it anyway.
Toaster'95 would weigh 15000 pounds (hence requiring a reinforced steel countertop), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your kitchen, would claim to be the first toaster that lets you control how light or dark you want your toast to be, and would secretly interrogate your other appliances to find out who made them.
Everyone would hate Microsoft toasters, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the good bread only works with their toasters.

IT Trivia

Engineers Recipe

Chocolate Chip Cookies:

Ingredients:

1.) 532.35 cm3 gluten (flour)
2.) 4.9 cm3 NaHCO3 (baking Powder)
3.) 4.9 cm3 refined halite (salt)
4.) 236.6 cm3 partially hydrogenated tallow triglyceride (Crisco)
5.) 177.45 cm3 crystalline C12H22O11(Sugar)
6.) 177.45 cm3 unrefined C12H22O11 (sugar)
7.) 4.9 cm3 methyl ether of protocatechuic aldehyde (my guess vanilla flavoring)
8.) Two calcium carbonate-encapsulated avian albumen-coated protein (eggs)
9.) 473.2 cm3 theobroma cacao (cocoa)
10.) 236.6 cm3 de-encapsulated legume meats (sieve size #10) (nuts)

Method:

To a 2-L jacketed round reactor vessel (reactor #1) with an overall heat transfer coefficient of about 100 Btu/F-ft2-hr, add ingredients one, two and three with constant agitation.

In a second 2-L reactor vessel with a radial flow impeller operating at 100 rpm, add ingredients four, five, six, and seven until the mixture is homogenous. 

To reactor #2, add ingredient eight, followed by three equal volumes of the homogenous mixture in reactor #1. Additionally, add ingredient nine and ten slowly, with constant agitation.

Care must be taken at this point in the reaction to control any temperature rise that may be the result of an exothermic reaction.

Using a screw extrude attached to a #4 nodulizer, place the mixture piece-meal on a 316SS sheet (300 x 600 mm).

Heat in a 460K oven for a period of time that is in agreement with Frank & Johnston's first order rate expression (see JACOS, 21, 55), or until golden brown.

Once the reaction is complete, place the sheet on a 25C heat-transfer table, allowing the product to come to equilibrium.

Michael Jordan

Air Jordan ....

Michael Jordan will make over $300,000 a game, $10,000 a minute assuming he averages about 30 minutes a game.

Assuming $40 mil in endorsements next year, he'll be making $178,100 a day (working or not)!

Assuming he sleeps 7 hours a night, he makes $52,000 every night while visions of sugarplums dance in his head.

If he goes to see Independence Day, it'll cost him $7.00, but he'll make $18,550 while he's there.

If he decides to have a 5 minute egg, he'll make $618 while boiling it.

He makes $7,415/hr more than minimum wage (after the wage hike)

He'll make $3,710 while watching each episode of Friends.

If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX ($90,000) it would take him a whole 12 days.

If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at the rate of $2.00 every second.

He'll probably pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but will be 'reimbursed' $33,390 for that round.

He could take 1/100,000th of his income and buy some poor college student 5200 packages of Ramen.

Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income into his tax deferred account (401k), he will hit the federal cap of $9500 for such accounts at 8:30 a.m. on January 1st, 1997.

If you were given a tenth of 1 penny for every dollar he made, you'd be living comfortably at $65,000 a year.

He made about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics in Atlanta.

He'll make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon is being run.

While the common person is spending about $20 for a meal in his trendy Chicago restaurant, he'll pull in about $5600.

Next year, he'll make more than twice as much as all of our past presidents for all of their terms combined.

And something to cheer you up after all of this. . .

Jordan will only have to have this income for 270 more years to have a net worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates.

. . .Or does that make you more sick?

             The Smiley Dictionary - just tilt your head to the left

Useless Information

*Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
*Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
*The national anthem of Greece has 158 verses. No one in Greece has memorised all 158 verses.
*There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
*The average secretary's left hand does 56% of the typing.
*A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
*There are more chickens than people in the world.
*Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
*The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
*On a Canadian two dollar bill, the flag flying over the Parliament Building is an American flag.
*All of the clocks in the movie Pulp Fiction are stuck on 4:20.
*No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
*"Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt".
*All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.
*Almonds are members of the peach family.
*Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
*Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
*There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
*Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de los Angeles de Porciuncula". And can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size, "L.A."
*A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
*An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain.
*Tigers have striped skin, not just striped fur.
*In most advertisements, including newspapers, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
*Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
*The only real person to be a Pez head was Betsy Ross.
*When the University of Nebraska Cornhuskers play football at home,
the stadium becomes the state's third largest city.
*The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life".
*A dragonfly has a lifespan of 24 hours.
*A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
*A dime has 118 ridges around the edge.
*On an American one-dollar bill, there is an owl in the upper left-hand corner of the "1" encased in the "shield" and a spider hidden in the front upper right-hand corner.
*It is impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.
*The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
*Who's that playing the piano on the "Mad About You" theme? Paul Reiser himself.
*In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
*The name for Oz in the "Wizard of Oz" was thought up when the creator, Frank Baum, looked at his filing cabinet and saw A-N and O-Z, hence "Oz."
*The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
*Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
*John Lennon's first girlfriend was named Thelma Pickles.
*The average person falls asleep in seven minutes.
*There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
*Stewardesses' is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
*In Shakespeare's time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes. When you pulled on the ropes the mattress tightened, making the bed firmer to sleep on. That's where the phrase, "goodnight, sleep tight" came from.
*The sentence "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog."Uses every letter in the alphabet. (developed by Western Union to test  telex/telecommunications.)
*The Main Library at Indiana University sinks over an inch every year because when it was built, engineers failed to take into account the weight of all the books that would occupy the building.
 *The term "the whole 9 yards" came from W.W.II fighter pilots in the pacific. When arming their airplanes on the ground, the . 50 caliber machine gun ammo belts measured exactly 27 feet, before being loaded into the fuselage. If the pilots fired all their ammo at a target, it got "the whole 9 yards."
 *The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.
*The name Jeep came from the abbreviation used in the army for the "General purpose" vehicle, GP.
*The first toilet ever seen on television was on "Leave It To Beaver."
* It was the accepted practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer, and because their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the "honey month" or what we know today as "honeymoon."
*In English pubs, ale is ordered by pints and quarts. So in old England, when customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them to mind their own pints and quarts and settle down. It's where we get the phrase "mind your P's and Q's."
* Many years ago in England, pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim or handle of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill, they used the whistle to get some service. "Wet your whistle," is the phrase inspired by this practice.

A crocodile cannot stick its tongue out.
A snail can sleep for three years.
All polar bears are left handed.
American Airlines saved $40,000 in 1987 by eliminating one olive
from  each salad served in first-class.
Americans on average eat 18 acres of pizza every day.
Babies are born without knee caps.
They don't appear until the child reaches 2 to 6 years of age.
Butterflies taste with their feet
Cats have over one hundred vocal sounds, dogs only have about 10.
Cats urine glows under a black light. - (how can you have a black light?)
China has more English speakers than the United States.
Donald Duck comics were banned in Finland because he doesn't
wear  any pants.
Dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are
registered blood  donors.
Elephants are the only animals that can't jump.
February 1865 is the only month in recorded history not to have
a full moon.
Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for
pleasure.
is the shortest complete sentence in the English language.
If Barbie were life-size, her measurements would be 39-23-33.
She would stand seven feet, two inches tall and have a neck
twice the  length of a normal human's neck.
If the population of China walked past you in single file, the
line would never end because of the rate of reproduction.
If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced  to create the energy of an atomic bomb.
If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you will have
produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee.
In ancient Egypt, priests plucked EVERY hair from their bodies,
including their eyebrows and eyelashes.
In the last 4000 years, no new animals have been domesticated.
Leonardo Da Vinci invented the scissors.
Marilyn Monroe had six toes.
Nike factory workers in Malaysia combined.
No word in the English language rhymes with month.
Nutmeg is extremely poisonous if injected intravenously.
On average, people fear spiders more than they do death.
One of the reasons marijuana is illegal today is because cotton
growers in the 1930's lobbied against hemp farmers-they saw it as
competition,
Our eyes are always the same size from birth, but our nose and
ears  never stop growing.
Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than
left-handed people do.
Shakespeare invented the word 'assassination' and 'bump'.
Some lions mate over 50 times a day.
Starfish haven't got brains.
Stewardesses is the longest word typed with only the left hand.
The ant always falls over on its right side when intoxicated.
The average human eats eight spiders in their lifetime at night.
The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.
The cruise liner, Queen Elizabeth 2, moves only six inches for
each gallon of diesel that it burns.
The electric chair was invented by a dentist.
The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the
body to squirt blood 30 feet.
A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes.
The most common name in the world is Mohammed.
The name of all the continents end with the same letter that
they start with.
The name Wendy was made up for the book 'Peter Pan'.
The Pentagon in Arlington, Virginia, has twice as many bathrooms
as necessary.
When it was built in the 1940's, the state of Virginia still had
segregation laws requiring separate toilet facilities for blacks
and whites.
The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
The words racecar and kayak are the same whether they are read
left to right or right to left.
There are two credit cards for every person in the United
States.
TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the
letters only on one row of the keyboard.
Women blink nearly twice as much as men.
You are more likely to be killed by a Champagne cork than by a
poisonous spider.
You can't kill yourself by holding your breath.

Only Microsoft

Q: How many Microsoft tech support people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Okay.  Now exactly how dark is it? Okay, there could be 4 or 5 things wrong...have you tried the light switch?

Q: How many Microsoft technicians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. Two to hold the ladder and one to hammer the bulb into a faucet.

Q: How many Microsoft vice presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Eight. One to work the bulb, and seven to make sure that Microsoft gets $2 for every light bulb ever changed anywhere in the world.

Q: How many Microsoft testers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We just determine that the room is dark; we don't actually change the bulb. Since we have a dead-bulb result on file from a previous test, rest assured that Development is working on a bug fix.

Q: How many Microsoft shipping department personnel does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We can change the bulb in 7 to 10 working days. If you call before 2 PM, and pay an extra $15, we can get the bulb changed overnight. Don't forget to put your name in the upper right hand corner of the light bulb box.

Q: How many Windows users does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. But they'll swear up and down that it was JUST as easy as it would be for a Mac user.

Q: How many Microsoft managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: We've formed a task force to study the problem of why light bulbs burn out, and to determine what, exactly, we as supervisors can do to make the bulbs work smarter, not harder.

Q: How many Microsoft engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Bill Gates will just redefine Darkness(TM) as the new industry standard.

Two-Cow Philosophies

Political Philosophies Explained in Simple "Two-Cow" Terms

 

Socialism: You have two cows. You keep one, but must give the other to your neighbour.

Communism: You have two cows. The government takes both and provides you with milk.

Fascism: You have two cows. The government takes both and sells you the milk.

Bureaucracy: You have two cows. The government takes them both, shoots one, milks the other, pays you for the milk, and then pours it down the drain.

Dictatorship: You have two cows. The government takes both, then shoots you.

Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

Democracy: You have two cows. The government taxes you to the point that you must sell them both to support a man in a foreign country who has only one cow, which was a gift from your own government.

Corporation: You have two cows. You lay one off, force the other to produce the milk of four cows, then act surprised when it drops dead.

Zimbabwe: You have two cows. The state tells you how to milk your cows, when to milk your cows, how much to milk your cows and the most that you can charge for the milk. You go broke and sell the cows.  The state calls you greedy and blames you for the current milk shortage.

Traditional Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

Environ Venture Capitalism: You have two cows. You sell three of them to your publicly listed company, using letters of credit opened by your brother-in-law at the bank, then execute a debt/equity swap with an associated general offer so that you get all four cows back, with a tax exemption for five cows. The milk rights of the six cows are transferred via an intermediary to a Cayman Island company secretly owned by the majority shareholder who sells, the rights to all seven cows back to your listed company. The annual report says the company owns eight cows, with an option on one more. Sell one cow to buy a new president of the United States, leaving you with nine cows. No balance sheet provided with the release. The public buys your bull.

An American Corporation: You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. You are surprised when the cow drops dead.

A French Corporation: You have two cows. You go on strike because you want three cows.

A Japanese Corporation: You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create clever cow cartoon images called Cowkimon and market them World-Wide.

A German Corporation: You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

A British Corporation: You have two cows. Both are mad.

An Italian Corporation: You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for lunch.

A Russian Corporation: You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 12 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A Swiss Corporation: You have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for storing them.

A Hindu Corporation: You have two cows. You worship them.

A Chinese Corporation: You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full employment, high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the numbers.

An Israeli Corporation: So, there are these two Jewish cows, right? They open a milk factory, an ice cream store, and then sell the movie rights. They send their calves to Harvard to become doctors. So, who needs people?

A New Zealand Corporation: You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute.

An Australian Corporation: You have two cows. You sell one for meat production. You import an American to manage the other cow.

Water Verses Coke

WATER

We all know that water is important but I've never seen it described like this before.

• 75% of Americans are chronically dehydrated. (Likely applies to half the world population)
• In 37% of Americans, the thirst mechanism is so weak that it is often mistaken for hunger.
• Even MILD dehydration will slow down one's metabolism as much as 3%.
• One glass of water shuts down midnight hunger pangs for almost 100% of the dieters studied in a U-Washington study.
• Lack of water, the #1 trigger of daytime fatigue.
• Preliminary research indicates that 8-10 glasses of water a day could significantly ease back and joint pain for up to 80% of sufferers.
• A mere 2% drop in body water can trigger fuzzy short-term memory, trouble with basic math, and difficulty focusing on the computer screen or on a printed page.
• Drinking 5 glasses of water daily decreases the risk of colon cancer by 45%, plus it can slash the risk of breast cancer by 79%, and one is 50% less likely to develop bladder cancer.
• Are you drinking the amount of water you should every day?

COKE

• You'll never drink it again:
• In many states (in the USA) the highway patrol carries two gallons of Coke in the trunk to remove blood from the highway after a car accident.
• You can put a T-bone steak in a bowl of coke and it will be gone in two days.
• To clean a toilet: Pour a can of Coca-Cola into the toilet bowl and .......Let the "real thing" sit for one hour, then flush clean.
• The citricacid in Coke removes stains from vitreous china.
• To remove rust spots from chrome car bumpers: Rub the bumper with a crumpled-up piece of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil dipped in Coca-Cola.
• To clean corrosion from car battery terminals: Pour a can of Coca-Cola over the terminals to bubble away the corrosion.
• To loosen a rusted bolt: Applying a cloth soaked in Coca-Cola to the rusted bolt for several minutes.
• To remove grease from clothes: Empty a can of coke into a load of greasy clothes, add detergent, And run through a regular cycle. The Coca-Cola will help loosen grease stains.
• It will also clean road haze from your windshield.

FYI

• The active ingredient in Coke is phosphoric acid. Its Ph is 2.8. It will dissolve a nail in about 4 days.
• To carry Coca-Cola syrup (the concentrate), the commercial truck must use the Hazardous material place cards reserved for Highly corrosive materials.
• The distributors of coke have been using it to clean the engines of their trucks for about 20 years!

Still Want To Drink Up?????????