Muckhole Memoirs Part XI...

Muckhole Memoirs - Ashley Reid

Part XI (Easter 2001)

Working Titles: See that log? DON’T TOUCH IT!!

Hoagies and Grinders

Four Nanga Debutantes – Our best initiation yet…

THURSDAY 12-04-2001

Well if you believe the pedantics this was the first Easter Nanga of the new millennium. Either way, it has now been over two thousand years since Jesus supposedly rose from the dead and we still gather to celebrate by scoffing chocolate and having a long weekend.

The break started early with Matt “Everybody loves string” Rowston arriving early and pegging out some real estate. He nabbed the first spot along Dam Busters Creek, set up a stronghold and prepared to defend his little patch of land from the hoards. Grant “Navy Beans” Mcleod and Tam “L-Plate Maccas” Mcleod were next to stake their claim at about 6pm. Ash “What you lookin’ at shwan” Reid and Ally “Interior Football” Reid hit the gravel at about 7pm and were soon at the spot. Unfortunately all the campers were met with a large sign near the campsite with three horrific words emblazoned on it. The words were enough to put a chill of fear and foreboding into the campers – Total Fire Ban

Could it be true? Would our hands go unwarmed? Would our marshmallows go untoasted? Would our beer bottles go unmelted? Would Darren see the sign and just turn around and go home?

Tam said that they had called in through the entry station and the ranger said it “might” be lifted the next day at the earliest. We crossed our fingers…

Our dome was erected with some assistance from those already there and even Cracka was kind enough to hold off on the beers until the tent was up. As the mallet hit the last peg home he cracked an ale and proclaimed that there is nothing like Nanga beer. Didn’t get any arguments from Grant and I as we cracked our own and settled in. Maccas lit up two tiny tea-light candles so at least we could have the feeling of being bathed with a flickering glow of something. They lasted a bloody long time too… With the thought of the fire ban being lifted on the morrow, the boys decided to do a bit of a torchlight wood hunt. We were surprised to find a veritable smorgasbord of timber around the site. Obviously the fire ban had been in place for so long that it had time to build up. We thought we would pre-empt the lifting of the ban and get a collection going. A few sizeable logs were dragged back to add to the pile that was already there.

We drank some port and watched the stars and Matty pulled out a jacket that he claimed he had only worn five times. He challenged me to name the year that he bought it. Without a blink I said ‘1989’ and we laughed at the absurdity that I would know his wardrobe of twelve years ago. This got us on to figuring out when the first Nanga was and there was claim and counterclaim. We tried to pin it to a particular event but the best we could get was ‘around 1994’. I pulled out the first Memoirs (all to be bound in book form when we get to the ten year anniversary) and can confirm that it was Easter 1994. This was the first ‘group’ Nanga as Brad and Chris had been down the year before and are credited with finding the spot.

We sat around the roaring candles and marvelled at how quiet it was. Quiet as in, nobody else around. The nearest camp site was a good hundred metres away and there were hardly any cars doing the usual ‘cruise past’ looking for a spot.

We discussed the proposed 50kmh suburban speed limit and came up with the conclusion that legislation will never prevent a certain minority being complete wankers. To illustrate our point a white volvo came past, revved up and left a huge cloud of dust and gravel as they roared off. Do wankers buy volvos or do volvos turn their drivers into wankers? Unconfirmed…

For those that come after us, or who may read this in years to come, we currently have a maximum of 110kmh on country roads, 60kmh in suburbia and 40kmh past schools. Be interesting to see what’s different in twenty years (or next week…)

FRIDAY 13-04-2001

Ooooooohhhh, Friday the 13^th….

Matt was up first and there was much rejoicing. We were soon greeted with Chris “Bourbon Boy” Butler and Kim “KTKTNOT” Butler arriving and putting up their dome. While they set up we (Matt, Grant and I) played some Magic and were deep into a game when the rangers arrived. I was already reaching for the wallet to pay for our stay when they launched into a familiar spiel.

<> ‘Good morning. Are you aware there is a ten thousand dollar fine for removing or moving any flora or fauna from the forest.’

<> ‘Ah, noooo…’ we all chorused. Hoping they wouldn’t remember us from last year.

<> ‘It was here when we got here!’ Ally cried, defensively.

<> ‘Not all of it.’ He said, motioning towards the massive log we had dragged over.

<> ‘Oh not that,’ Matt said, ‘We did move that one.’

‘Well, you’ll have to put it back,’ he said. ‘The fire ban is lifted and they’ll bring around firewood this evening at $5 a bag.’

<> ‘Okay,’ we said cheerily, and resumed our card playing.

<> ‘I mean put it back, now,’ he said, and actually stood there and watched while we picked it up and move it two metres away into the bush.

I still have a sneaking suspicion that Calm are in cahoots with the wood sellers. They call a fire ban, then they ban you from even picking up a twig and then they lift the ban and sell you jarrah at $5 a bag. Conspiracy theorists unite…

Chris must have been deeply affected by this little interaction because he started pre-lunch drinks by pouring his first bourbon and coke at 11am. This alone was surprising enough but by the time he got to his fourth (or fifth) there were eyebrows raised (including Kim’s). Oh well, they were only staying one night so he was just packing his fun into a short space of time…

Darren “Cappies all round” Fisher and Raelene “Nothing but a heartache” Longden arrived along with Kathryn “loose tooth” Longden at about 2pm to add to the crowd. They were soon followed by Nik “I’ve never thrown up before” Renouf and Simon “Nanga Virgin” Burnell at about 3pm.

During the day we played Bocce (“Nanga Bocce, yeah!”), volleyball on the world’s most uneven court, read magazines and books and generally did that Nanga thing. I started up my cry of “Rain ya bastard!” and even did a little rain dance to get the skies to comply. I maintain that it’s just not Nanga unless we’re digging trenches around our tents and rigging up monstrous tarp shelters. Tam felt otherwise because I copped abuse when the first few drops started to fall.

Ally and I went into town for a lukewarm trickle for the low, low cost of $2.20 for five minutes. I bought two extra tokens from the tourist centre and mentioned that it was very quiet this year.

<> ‘It’s very quiet this year,’ I remarked.

<> ‘Yes. Were you here last year when they cracked down on alcohol and noise etc.?’

<> ‘Yes.’

<> ‘It worked, didn’t it?’ she said with a smile.

On the way back we saw an emu on the road and slowed down to check it out. It ran to the side of the road and then we counted eleven others standing there in a group. Amazing.

As we hit the gravel we found ourselves behind the wood sellers, their ute laden with bags. They stopped at the bend and we pulled alongside and asked if they were heading down the road where our campsite was. The lady behind the wheel said, “Nah, you’d better buy it now.” So we bought two bags, drove the fifty metres to the campsite, and watched in amazement as they drove up behind us and starting yelling “Firewood! Wood for sale!”

Anyway, lucky they did as the rest of the group pitched in and we ended up with five bags. Some thought it would be too much but we reminded them of the Golden Rule No. 1: You can never have too much wood.

Deb “Mind The Gap” Rowston and Elise “Mcleod’s National Holiday” McLeod arrived at about 6pm and added to the crowd. It rained off and on (Yes!) and we formed the traditional circle and enjoyed the fire. A few big logs were put on early but Darren described this as Premature Logulation.

In usual fashion I came up with my “hypothetical” for the night which was called 50/50. Given two similar, yet fundamentally different, choices which one would you pick? We went through some ‘normal’ ones like Elvis/Beatles, Ford/Holden, Munsters/Adams Family, Would you rather be Blind/Deaf etc. Then we got to some controversy. Jenny McCarthy or Buffy? Grant agonised for a few minutes and went Jenny. Brad Pitt or George Clooney? Interestingly the majority of women went for George. Tickets to the Grand Final or a candle lit dinner with your partner? Sorry girls, Grand Final won hands down. Opening Sale or candle lit dinner with your partner? Sorry fellas, the dinner got axed. Lethal Injection or Electrocution? Only Darren went for electrocution as it’s “more of a show…”. Then the classic – Stunningly Beautiful or Filthy Rich? Most people went for the money and Grant “This one time at band camp” McLeod went one better,

<> “I’d rather have a crack down the middle of my face, a beard full of ass hairs AND A SHITLOAD OF CASH!”

SATURDAY 14-04-2001

It had rained a little overnight but nothing to worry about. Nik had visions of her last ‘aquatic’ Nanga and was glad she brought an air mattress this time. Leanne and Trav arrived at about 11am and little Jakeb got to experience his first Nanga. Christian and Belinda had tagged along and the boys decided that a game of cricket was the way to go. With a wet tennis ball and an unforgiving pitch, plus one-hand-one-bounce, the batters didn’t last long. If you got to your second hit you were doing well. It rained some more and Deb even discovered a name for me while playing Balderdash; Hyetologist – meaning Rainmaker.

We had a few visits from ‘Freak Boy’ as Darren described him. A troubled kid who was having raving conversations with himself. Spooky…

Chris and Kim decided to bail while their stuff was still dry and we had a few more games of volleyball on the ‘challenging’ court.

Kathryn posed us some interesting Easter questions including, “Do you think the Easter Bunny and Father Christmas know each other?” I replied straight faced (and truthfully) that I wasn’t sure but if I ever met either of them I would ask. She made the point that you only got Easter eggs if you’d been good and Ally asked her what you got if you had been bad and she replied, “Carrots.” Bummer.

And in case you didn’t know, the Easter Bunny lives in a tree and not a hole in the ground.

Some of Deb and Ally’s more obtuse comments and statements were met with “PWL” from Matt. Pregnant Women’s Logic…

Damien and Janet arrived at about 4pm with Leslie and Kippy (the fourth Nanga debutante) and there was much rejoicing.

Leanne, Trav, Jakeb, Chris and Belinda all bailed and we started up the gas stoves for the evening meals. As night fell so did the rain so the men leapt into action and constructed a beautiful two-layer, multi-angle, high-tension, fire-aligned tarp monolith and of course, as history has proven, it never spat another drop.

Matty limbered up the fingers, tuned up the Maton and we launched into the old favourites. As usual the alcohol started to flow at about the same time and our volume and gusto increased in direct proportion. There were many ‘cappies all round’ and Nik was belting down the Gin and Lifts like there was no tomorrow. Beers were downed and a few bottles of port did the rounds as well. Ash “teenage dirtbag” Reid and Simon “Horse with no name” Burnell gave Cracka a bit of a rest and cranked out some more tunes. It got later and the Hutchens clan disappeared into the night.

Matt kept them cranking and Darren started the “Wild Monkey Dance”. We supplemented this with the Travi Groove and the Nakita Shimmy. Things got a little messier and Nik was at great lengths to explain that she ‘never’ throws up but the boys began to offer pretty short odds on that happening in the very near future. We eventually wound down and with some half hearted Wild Monkey Dancing we staggered off to bed.

SUNDAY 15-04-2001

There were a few sore heads in the morning and some ‘evidence’ that Nakita lost her bets. She was the last one up and looked decidedly unwell. Numerous Easter Eggs were handed around (including some home made ones from Tam – points for effort) and Kathryn was pleased to find that she must have indeed been a good girl because she was well and truly laden. After breakfast the campers slowly packed up, scraped mud from tarps and tents and loaded up the vehicles. We were pleasantly surprised that we had not once been asked for payment (first time ever) and Grant and Tam bemoaned the fact they had voluntarily paid at the entry station. I don’t think they’ll be rushing to do that next year…

A few commemorative photos were snapped (including a group Wild Monkey Dance) and we dispersed in a cloud of gravel and dust.

Cheers

Ashman