The following event was played as a lead up to the cards.  As per usual there was an amount on each event and after these events people started cards with the following amounts.

Dan - $28, Jon - $ 24, Matt - $20, Brad - $20, Damien - $18.50,  Ash - $18.50, Grant - $18.50, Trav - $18.50,  Mike - $18.50, Dave - $18.50

The following event was played as a lead up to the cards.  As per usual there was an amount on each event and after these events people started cards with the following amounts.

Dan - $28, Jon - $ 24, Matt - $20, Brad - $20, Damien - $18.50,  Ash - $18.50, Grant - $18.50, Trav - $18.50,  Mike - $18.50, Dave - $18.50

Here is a night summary from Granty

Day kicked off with Dave 'Boy Wonder' being dispatched in the first pool game of the non-card pre-event by the McLeod. Unfortunately I peaked way to early and I think it was the last time I beat the bastard all night and I didn't even get a single chip for it!!! Then Dan 'The shining star from the East' displayed frightening form against Mike 'caught in the road trains headlights'. Ash ousted Trav but looked on fearfully as 'Jon'
seemed to have doubled in height and taken on a dark horse demeanour. The Chris enhanced Jon removed Damo and we moved into the second round. I too was caught hopin on bitumen by semi-Dan and moved to join those others who sought respite from crushing defeat in the balmy waters of the pool.
Chris-Jon swung his scythe again and Ash toppled into the pool. After several shonky behind the scenes payoffs, corrupt dealings, multiple playoffs, further stand-ins and Christopher Skase sightings it was decided that Dan was indeed the winner and Jon was $4 bucks up before he even got there.

We had a brief respite from the ravages of battle as we soaked our rock hard abs and rippling muscles (well something was rippling anyway - and I am trying to put the thought of Damos 'come here boys' purple boxers out of my mind) in the pool water. The pizzas, Matt and Brad arrived and there was much salivation - then we ate the pizza. David the absent host with the most returned in a timely and efficient manner, which proved an omen for the rest of the night.

Thus we began....

Short speech from me and the trophy was fondled one last time. Matt announced the BriBriBrian award and Brad the Magic Play award and I thought about introducing the unwanted house bricks award cos bulk rubbish collection is still a few weeks off - but decided against it for sentimental reasons. Then the curse of the Charter Crap struck again.
Perhaps for sinfully taking pleasure in quickly dispatching Damos item, the curse returned and my item quickly proved to be an uweildly pile of
stinkin..... Perhaps with less people or a smaller pot it can rise again!
At any rate there was about an hour of Texas Hold Em played before the remaining players graciously invited the eliminated players back to the table.

Then we played cards. Dan was again shafted in the traditional manner by Death Uno and we rejoiced. Two of Hutch and one Macas were labelled Soft C**k Alley and so we perfected our fold in unison move and laughed at those who had embraced the dark side. More cards. Dave dropped napalm from a
B52 and bought shares in the game. More Cards. Bec made coffee. Matty sang a song and Ash wept. More cards Matty smote Trav with a rubber chicken. More cards.

Then the crazy last hour began....

The betting escalated as time ran to dry. Brad 'Balls of Blind Steel' did some damage with Gasket, before I thought I had him on the ropes, but no, Mike 'Magic Blind Gasket Flush' stepped up and flogged my pair of nines.
Many cried (or perhaps it just looked that way through my own watering eyes). More Napalm and Mike 'Needs no Jester Box' took the biggest Napalm pot of $10 (I think) despite Jon hungrily eyeing it off. Trav took the Bag O' for the first time in a while and became a spectator. Back to Gasket and with a pair of aces I have stepped back into Brads nut crusher pit of pain, also occupied by Dan and Damo. Dan taking the blind punt hoping to send the trophy east. Damo had a peek and aimed to put a trophy win beyond contention but alas the clinch or wince move resulted in a black eye. Brad called it in the end and Macas 'empty wallet' aced the round and acquired the blue wall leading the well placed Matty to speculate I had it in the bag but no it was just enough to slot me into 3rd. Cracker had run hard as always but alas a couple too many blind gasket leads had left him breathless. Many eyes rolled across many piles of chips and all in all it was pretty close in the end despite many having ridden a roller coaster.
But it was Daves plastic pot of gold that proved most bountiful. Well done Sir Merv for stepping up and claiming the prize for the first despite limited preparation. Must have been the home ground advantage or perhaps a literal implementation of Countalot??? We may never no.

Congrats to all for a sturdy showing.

macas
 

Pool at Perrys

1st - Dan

2nd - Jon (Chris sub)

The following event was played as a lead up to the cards.  As per usual there was an amount on each event and after these events people started cards with the following amounts.

Matt - $24, Damien - $22,  Ash - $20, Grant - $18, Trav - $20, Brad - $20, Mike - $18, Jon - $18

Well the cards certainly fell my way......

I congratulate my competitors in their gamnemanship despite coping the most conclusive hammering in modern Ashes history, what can I say the new chips must have put me 'in the zone' !!! Only Brad 'Iron Testies' Clarke stood firm in the face of the onslaught.

As I am sure will come as no surprise or concern him in the slightest, Damien your spanky, loose bowels, prawns left in the boot on a hot day, sprinkle metal filings under my lids, rectum splitting Charter item is hereby revoked, removed and banished for all time. It was a nice speach though....

My new Charter item will likely be something along the lines of being able to call a 'round' for poker games where each player in turn must deal a hand. But I will have a bit of a think first.....

Looking forward to organising a Summer Ashes, perhaps I will come up with a non-garage venue....

ciao


macas 'it's raining flush's' mcleod

Urban Golf - Duncraig

1st - Matt  4 skins

2nd - Damien      3 skins

The following event was played as a lead up to the cards.  As per usual there was an amount on each event and after these events people started cards with the following amounts.

Damien - $24, Matt - $22, Ash - $20, Grant - $18, Trav - $18, Brad - $20, Mike - $18

Bowling for Currambine

1st - Damien  122

2nd - Matt      112

3rd - Ash       104

The following event was played as a lead up to the cards.  As per usual there was an amount on each event and after these events people started cards with the following amounts.

Ash - $24, Matt - $21.60, Grant - $20.40, Trav - $18, Damien - $18, Dave - $20, Mike - $18

Super Golf

1st - Ash

2nd - Matt

3rd - Grant

The following events were played as a lead up to the cards.  As per usual there was an amount on each event and after these events people started cards with the following amounts.

Chris - $26, Matt - $20, Ash - $20, Brad - $16, Grant - $22, Trav - $19

Ah, the Ashes...
The event began with two games of bowling and no surprises that Chris Butler took line honours. A big surprise was a late charging Grant Mcleod who got in the zone with four strikes in a row (he seemed as surprised as us) to take out second place (drawing with Darren). I came third, Travis fourth and big Brad had a shocker, scaring people up to three lanes away. Clarke made it worse when he bet Chris $3 he couldn't clear an ugly 3 pin split.
Butler took the bet at 3-1 ($1 to Brad if he didn't make it) and of course cleaned it up. So Chris took $3 for his win and another $3 from Brad to start the Ashes $6 up. The rest of us considered giving him the trophy and going home as he's not the sort of player who needs a $6 head start...
Back to Trav's and a kick of the footy on the park (until Butler halted the game by booting it into the neighbours yard) and then Cracka arrived.
Granty and I took Butler's new car to get pizzas (don't worry Chris, the paintwork will buff up as good as new. Also you might want to make a note on the warranty card that you get a bit of valve bounce at 7500rpm...) Pizzas were scoffed and we watched some of the Ashes 10th Anniversary video.
I still feel a warm glow when I watch Paul dive for that chip and then pause, knowing that he's been done like a dinner. A fine Ashes moment...
Cards started at about 8pm and Darren said farewell, leaving six of us around the table (Brad, Chris, Matt, Trav, Grant and myself). Tim will be proud to know that "The Gambler" was played as I made my intro speech and then kept playing until Brad made some unkind comments about the song. I think his main motivation to try and win was to be able to ditch that rule...
And then the fun began. I introduced a new poker game called "Napalm". It was an instant crowd pleaser as the side bets were killer (up to $6 at one stage and commonly around the $4 mark, just to challenge someone else's
cards...) From a history of low betting (5-10c etc.) there has been a definite shift to games that move money around. We tried Uno but after one game under the yellow globe in Trav's garage we realised that it wasn't just Matt who couldn't tell the difference between a blue and a green. Thus we recorded the lowest ever draw to win the Uno box. Four cards by Chris Butler...
With a few games of Nato standard thrown in we centred around Polass (Nepalese A*s Gasket) and Napalm. After a brief break at midnight for BBQ ribs we pushed on. I must say I was proud of the stamina showed by the fathers of young children around the table. Children shall not weary us...
For a while it seemed Travi was making a run for his first trophy with a hat full of chips. But such is the nature of the games it has a lot to do with timing.

Down to the last hand and nobody knew who'd won. We kept thinking someone must have a secret stash of chips because it seemed like everyone was too even. I took out the last hand of Napalm with the luck of a good seating position and a pretty hefty bluff with over $4.80 in the pot. For the first time ever there was absolutley no clear winner, all six players had to carefully count their chips so we could see who won.. Poor Granty took the Bag O' with a relatively small loss of $7.60 (smallest ever loss to win the Bag O'?) which shows how close it was...
I was truly stunned to find I was the winner being just $3.90 up. Cracka took it like a true competitor as I beat him by just $1 after winning that $4.80 on the last hand. Two Ashes in a row that I have won on the last hand of the night. I've got to stop cutting it so fine...
Ahh, the sweet taste of victory. It is with heartfelt pride and humble spirit that I find myself the temporary custodian of the Ashes trophy for the next six months.

And now for my prize. The Charter...
None of the current charter items greatly annoy me so I'm going to leave them all as they are. I thought about making "midnight ribs" a binding rule but I'll leave that one for Maccas... Here's the new one (please add this to the list when you put in the rest of the stats on the website - thanks Cracka).
It has almost become an unofficial rule and now it is enshrined in law.

"The organiser for each Ashes shall arrange at least one non-card game to form part of the event. It may be arranged as a lead up event (eg bowling, shooting, mini-golf etc.) or as a game during the evening."

Cheers
Sir Mash
 

Bowling

1st - Chris

2nd - Grant, Darren

3rd - Ashley

4th - Travis

5th - Brad

The following events were played as a lead up to the cards.  As per usual there was an amount on each event and after these events people started cards with the following amounts.

Chris - $12.50, Matt - $11, Ash - $10, Brad - $10, Grant - $9.50, Trav - $9, Darren - $8

Botanical Golf

1st - Matt - 41

2nd - Brad, Ash and Chris - 42

Lone Rangers Shooting Complex

1st - Chris - 196

2nd - Darren - 191

3rd - Brad - 187

Pot Black

1st - Matt, Brad and Ash - 4 Wins

Night Bocce (Yeah)

1st - Grant

2nd - Chris

3rd - Ash

34th Ashes - Ed Reids House - 22/01/2000

It was fitting that the three players who had never missed an event and never missed a dawn (Grant, Brad and Ash) were sitting around an unexpectedly chilly table (so much for summer) when the first rays of dawn broke over the Reid Homestead in Bunbury giving Brad the title and trophy after so many campaigns.  In an ironic twist he also took out the Uno Box prize for the highest draw in a hand of Death Uno (28 cards) so he goes home a double winner.  Mr Chris "Ass Gasket" Butler took out the Bag O' Award by blowing his initial $10 just on midnight and crashing out of the event.

It was also Matt, Paul and Trav's last Ashes as unmarried men...
Thanks to Dad and Merilyn for accommodation, patience and mini-pizzas at midnight...
Cheers and see you in winter...
Ashman

I know it was not that long ago but here's some stuff from the 'Tenth' that you just can't go past for value. I didn't do a "Memoirs" at the time but the following has been dragged from my failing cerebellum and should bring back a few pleasant but alcohol clouded memories…

SAYINGS:

"Stand…and turn…" When potentially being nailed by the thumb-to-nose it became a standard defence mechanism that you "stand..and turn.." to avoid the hit. Once the butt cheeks leave the chair you are safe but while arse-flesh is on the cushions you are as open as Paul Worland's lolly bag on a girl guides camp.

This, of course, links beautifully with…

"Dark Side of The Dealer…" Failing the "Stand and turn" method you are bound to be in trouble when your view of the thumb-to-nose is hidden by the bastard standing next to you dealing black-jack slower than an arthritic sloth on valium. This painful predicament is made worse by man-mountains like Brad "Grab Ankles" Clarke who blocks your view better than a full lunar eclipse.

"How's Tania Mate…" An obscure little TV ad with some guys dressed in cow suits and all of a sudden you have cult status and a saying used more often than Matt "Cracka" Rowston's medicare card at the VD clinic. This little gem was yelled from moving buses, down dark pathways on the way to Caves House, at the beach, from balcony to roadway and up and down the circular staircase from morning to night.

"House Brick" Too much alcohol, too little sleep and a too long under one roof with 9 grown men and pretty soon the bizarre takes on the surreal in a fist fight for supremacy. This little pearler came from a discussion on the transient nature of the meanings of words and pretty soon the term "coffee" became substituted for "house brick" and before you could launch into a chorus of "subsidy boy…subsidy boy…" there were cries of "Make me a House Brick, white and one.." echoing through the beach house.

"The Great Leveller" This term became a pseudonym for Death Uno ® as the all round benchmark for an even competition. The game that raises the pressure in a room like no other was a popular choice for some and a pain worse than a groin-first fall onto a garden rake for others. Nothing like the card draw being up in the high twenties, heading towards you around the circle and you're staring at your cards and seeing nothing but numbers… Congratulations to Paul "I hear a porn tape somewhere…" Worland who took it over the hood of his car and grabbed a fistful with a 30 card pickup. Nothing to compare to Dan's all time record of 46 but it copped a decent crowd response nonetheless.

"Folding faster than…" As the hours dragged by it became more evident that the frustration of being dealt yet another bucket of complete shit, especially by Chris "Five Aces" Butler, was getting too much for some. Looking at your hand, seeing nothing but air and pegging the cards down swiftly and with as much force as possible became complimented by variations of; Folding faster than an epileptic origami artist the last deckchair on the titanic your sister over the hood of my car a hyperactive napkin maker… and so on…

"NATO Standard" As with 'The Great Leveller' this term came to symbolise the straight up, no messing around, cut and dried, black and white, old favourite, Mr Reliable five card draw poker with two's wild.

The Nato Standard contrasted beautifully with Grant "Goat Herder" McLeod's attempt at a complicated feng shui numerology and algebra system for poker which was something like prime number blacks are wild, look at your first card, bet blind on the second but you can look at the third and make up a hand of eleven with the remaining even numbered red cards and pick your best five with aces, eights and kings wild but only if it's a leap year, ignore the first card you though of, take away the minutes past the hour, no ante and bets double in an anti-clockwise direction. What was the middle part again?

"Smacks of Two Up" To clear up the controversy once and for all, any game or event that is bound to suck the big one can be aptly described as smacking of two-up. This refers to yet another Mcleodism as Goat Boy introduced an edited version of two-up, promptly won a truck load of our money and then proclaimed the game too complex and never played it again. Genius comes in many guises and seeing as he won the event he must be doing something right… And by the way, the saying is not "Spanks of two-up." You will be told only once…

HIGHLIGHTS

The Bus The Venga Bus might well be coming but our bus was there. Barely an inch of leg-room due to eskies full of crispy cold ale and it was a road trip to be proud of. Filled up on fast food in Mandurah and on to Ed Rooneys in Bunbury, what an awesome spectacle. Matt "Can't find it - grind it" Rowston did a lot of the driving and allowed the rest of us to keep the beer flowing, hats off…

Magic A card game that is yet to be gambled on (though I foresee a time…) but nevertheless whiled away some great afternoons (and mornings and nights) as we watched the sun out over the bay. Tim "Rulemaster" Beck provided much of the interpretations for the novices amongst us but seeing as he barely lost a game we were a tad interested in some of his explanations. "Oh, no, you see that particular card means all your creatures get -50/-50 for the rest of the day and you instantly lose this game and have to make me a house brick and a cheesy. It's a complex rule but you can look it up…trust me."

Brad and Chris getting pantsed at the Yallingup pub A great night at Yallingup pub, sinking a shitload of beers and watching Chris "Eight Ball" Butler and Brad "Does Your Wife Play?" Clarke get pantsed by some locals. They grabbed ankles and bought a bottle of wine rather than do the elephant walk. I don't remember what they paid for it but I can recall thinking I'd rather be seen in my underwear than shell out a small fortune for a bottle of local sawdust.

The Chick In The Blue Dress Enough said.

5 foot shore dumpers A great couple of days at that glorious beach. Huge swell out the back transforming into monster dumpers right on the sand. Wild.

Paul's dive for Damien's chip My single favourite part of the card night and a definite highlight of the week. We finally made a rule that the annoying pricks who peg their betting chips all over the table can lose them if they miss the bowl. First one to grab a wayward chip gets to keep it. Damien sets up beautifully with the fake gumby throw, one bounce off the table and on to the floor. Paul's greedy little eyes light up like an electric chair in Texas and he dives down quicker than a ten dollar hooker. Damien goes straight for thumb-to-nose, the rest of us immediately clue in and Paul realises mid-dive what is happening. Fucking hilarious part is that he never even got the chip because Brad "Body Club" Clarke stomped his foot on it and you may as well lift Ayres Rock. On the video playback you can actually see the moment Paul realises his lunch has been cut and it is a thing of beauty.

Cheers fellas

Ashman